Today’s prompt for Effy Wild’s “Let’s Blog Along in September” adventure is easy to write (because the answers are at surface) yet also vulnerable – because who really wants to share “about a dream you once had that you let go of, and where that led you” publicly?
It feels tender to me because I didn’t intentionally let any of my dreams (the most clear and strong heart whispers) go; life simply unfolded and didn’t include those experiences, as much as I wanted it to.
And all of the things I wanted to do, that felt like a calling or dream – but didn’t, because my focus was elsewhere – I likely still can in some form.
I realize that physically, at this age of 47, I am not going to have another baby, created and held with love, then birthed from my womb. I wanted to experience romance that lit my heart and my life, and provided my children with love and support that was emotionally healthy and healing from a father figure that was fully present, in all ways and to raise our own child together in this beautiful feel of family.
That didn’t happen. There wasn’t a romantic love with staying power, nor was there a baby or even baby talk; there *were* stages of grief intertwined with acceptance as I realized that wasn’t going to happen.
What came out of that was my desire to keep my heart open, to connect most fully with love, light, joy, peace and possibility in daily life – regardless of what was in external. With that intention, Facets of Joy evolved from my previous website – and all of the work I’ve done (internally and sharing externally via client work and facilitating ecourses and forums) has taken shape and morphed a bit as I continue to heal, learn and grow.
And, at this stage, I don’t see myself sailing around the world (although I could, and I might) and I don’t see myself running a bed and breakfast (although I could, and I might) and I don’t see myself immersed in romantic love (although it’s there, somewhere in this world and I’m open, the logistics feel far out of my current realm). And, I don’t see myself doing a cooking tour of France for a year (although I would; absolutely!) All of these dreams I’ve had and worked toward, but the seeds wouldn’t root or grow (or it could be that my full attention was on mothering, and healing internally to learn to enjoy being embodied and to feel comfortable and safe in this physical world, and they were growing, but I missed it, and then through lack of tending, they withered.)
But, what came from mothering has changed my entire life in wondrous ways! My son is 19, my daughter is close to 18 and that means I’ve fulfilled my promise to myself when I chose to become a mother that I would always be present (emotionally, physically and energetically) to, and with, my children, as individuals and within our little family unit, as they grew and began to find their own way/path.
Fulfilling that promise is quite a miracle! – one I couldn’t have imagined really happening as I didn’t have the experience of being mothered in my own childhood and there was lots of chaos and abuse and all I knew was that if I was going to bring children into this world, then my children needed to experience peace, possibility, love, the joy of being alive and of exploring different activities and passions as they grew and of feeling supported in all ways. (When I was promising myself to do this *I* didn’t even have that! It wasn’t until the last few years that I began to give myself the fullness of presence and compassion and support I’d been giving my children.)
I learned a lot to mother – especially as a single-mother; and all of this that I’ve experienced through being present, learning to hold space for unfolding, keeping my heart open, and creating sacred space, came from that one promise to be present to my children.
All that I know and share now, flowed from there. And keeps flowing from there.
While I didn’t have another physical child, what I did (and do) have is the ability, time, energy and attention to turn inward to mother my inner child – and that is leading me to the next stage of unfolding (that is currently happening, seeded over Summer and as the season turns to Fall). I don’t know what it will look like, what the details will be, but I do know it will involve a different living space (because we’ve been given notice) and a different p/t job (because my care-giving family is moving far away) and that the details of my daily life and what is in it will have a different shape by Winter.
I bless it all as I move through it, because that’s what I know to do; and in that blessing, doors close and others open and it feels more natural and ‘gentle’ than if I tried to force or insist upon certain ones over others.
Thank you so much for reading/listening, as I shared this that is dear to my heart!
Dear Reader: As you consider the idea of dreams and dreaming, is that something you tend to do, or not so much? (At different times in my life, I’ve had ample space and time to dream, and zero space or time to do anything other than survive, so I can relate to both ends of the spectrum. I’m interested in hearing what you have to share about it!)
Much peace and abundant love,
Joy
